The Jesus Scale

A Newsweek poll (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6650997/site/newsweek/) this week offers a scary but unsurprising insight into the Jesus beliefs of Americans today. These are numbers we've all heard before but ones that bear repeating in light of how we now see our American identity, following the revelations of the recent to-do on Nov. 2.

According to the poll:

79% of Americans believe that JC was produced by the Virgin Mary, "without a human father."

"Sixty-seven percent say they believe that the entire story of Christmas—the Virgin Birth, the angelic proclamation to the shepherds, the Star of Bethlehem and the Wise Men from the East—is historically accurate."

55% believe that "every word of the Bible is literally accurate."

93% believe JC "actually lived and 82 percent believe Jesus Christ was God or the Son of God."

Most alarmingly: "Sixty-two percent say they favor teaching creation science in addition to evolution in public schools...Forty-three percent favor teaching creation science instead of evolution in public schools; 40 percent oppose the idea."

So, I suggest a new system for rating Americans' polital/social/moral/religious tendencies: The Jesus Scale.

In this scale, how we feel about Jesus places us into one of 6 groups in ascending order of Jesus-osity:

Group 1, The Haters: Avid Atheists, Hot-tempered Hebrews, and Aggro-Arabians agree: plain and simple, JC was a no-good fronter.

Group 2, The Doubters: JC was not a true winemaker and had no real working knowledge of how to build quality hot rods.

Group 3, The Status Quoers: JC is OK, I guess. On a par, maybe, with Falun Gong.

Group 4, The Likers: JC is delicious. I could spread him on toast.

Group 5, The Lovers: Jesus is tops! We'd elect him president of the US but he's too pro-welfare in his platform. And Jewish.

Group 6, The Morally Insane: Jesus talks to me while I eat breakfast cereals and demands that I crusade against faggotry when I'm spending time at my favorite bath-houses.